I Prayed for Her, So I Deserve Her!

No. 

I was sitting on a pew in church looking at the tabernacle when that thought came to my mind from the depths of my heart. 

Before I continue I would like to marvel in the fact that fasting does reveal my heart. I had heard it said that one of the outcomes of fasting is that our true selves are revealed. Sometimes we are snappy, or we desire things to satisfy us. I encourage you to try and deny yourself a few meals and go to God in prayer and talk to Him. Figure out who you really are when your needs are not met and see what it is you reach for and desire to satisfy you.

Coming back to my own revelation through fasting. Today when I looked at the tabernacle I felt a deep sadness and also a bit of anger at my God when I told Him, "I prayed for her". I felt an ugliness. I knew it was my pride that spoke. I knew I felt that because I prayed for her, I deserved her to be mine. 

I took the feeling to adoration. There I looked at God and told Him how I felt, and surrendered the feeling that I deserved anything. I looked back at my life and how God has provided for me so many times. 

On another note along that same line, I saw a video yesterday. A part that stood out to me was that the person said, "I am choosing to live my vow of poverty by going into the world. As a religious we are provided for and taken care of." 

This lingered on my mind for some time and made so much sense to me. I have worried for so long about how I am going to provide for a family. A bit of my mind thought one of the benefits of the priesthood is that I would not have to worry about what my next meal would be or if I could afford it. Being a husband it would be my role to provide not only spiritually for my household but financially. For so long I have become anxious at that thought. "What if's" flooded my mind anytime I thought for too long on the matter. 

Today, after having heard that video, and knowing that I felt that way I felt at peace surrendering not only my desire to be married and have her, but also of my worries and fear of providing. God has not abandoned me in the past, even though I was and still am a wretch, He has no plans of abandoning me when I am entrusted to with the care of one of his daughters and little ones. 

Lent this year has in love led me to the desert, and I pray that come Easter I may rejoice and see how the Lord has prepared me. 

Pray for me.