Free Will is not Free
In celebration of this year's first Friday the 13th here is a new blog post:
Free Will is not Free
The following is an account of a person
who has chosen to remain anonymous. The story will send chills across your
spine, and cause you to doubt the very reality of your existence. Do not
proceed if you feel you will in any way be affected by these writings.
Have you ever regretted something you did?
Have you ever had an instance where you did not know
why you did something?
There is a very good chance that you have, or that you know someone who has.
The reason why these feelings arise will shock and perhaps even change you, and your perception of reality.
There is a very good chance that you have, or that you know someone who has.
The reason why these feelings arise will shock and perhaps even change you, and your perception of reality.
My name should not be disclosed, but for your sake, I shall take a pseudonym upon myself.
Yo soy Don Alpirez. Soy un vendedor de una tiendita.
I know it must be hard to follow this story, I am not good at writing. I am trying to tell you this story...before...
I end my life!
I can no longer take it!
Esto no es vida!
You may not understand why. But for the past days I have not been able to sleep.
It was not my arthritis, nor my bladder.
Era esa cara!
A face!
I can not remember much about how it looked, or who it was, or even if it was scary!
It wasn't the face that scared me, it was the apparition of it.
It came sudden, and left as quickly as it came. It would appear in the middle of my sleep. Everything would be peaceful, quite and predictable. I was asleep. That was, until
A FACE APPEARED!
A night's rest, ruined.
This happens every night, sometimes I lie to myself, and think for a moment that it will not appear, but it waits patiently and appears and adds more sleepless nights upon my tired body.
I want it to end. But not before I tell you my story.
It happened ten days ago.
I was cleaning my room. My wife had left the house, and my children were at school.
I had on music, and I was dancing. The next song that came on was not one of my favorites, so I did not sing along, nor did I dance to it. Rather I became lost in my thoughts as I went deeper and deeper into my thoughts.
Out of the blue I started remembering ex-girlfriends, and primary school crushes. I remembered the times that I had with them, the things we did, the memories we shared.
It's strange though. I could not remember why I did not continue with them. I kept cleaning. As I continued an ant bit me. I took the ant off, and started to look at where the ant was going.
So far it seems that I am looking for any distraction not to clean the room.
I was.
I don't recall much of how I went back to thinking. I do remember that as one idea led to another, I had what at the time seemed to be to me as some sort of morbid joke about how I was forced to do things because I was a puppet.
It got less funny when I began to focus all of my thoughts on trying to prove that I was not.
This happened because I felt obligated to justify all that I do. It felt unnatural of me to be doing this.
I continued thinking that I was being forced to brush of the realization that I am not free.
Then a sudden migraine hit me.
Strangely, I do not suffer migraines. Instead of thinking it is just a coincidence, I considered the headache as my "Master" trying to get me to stop thinking out of line.
As I thought this, the migraine intensified.
It felt as though someone had my head in some sort of industrial vise grip.
I said in my head, "Let me go."
I did not expect what would come next: "No."
The voice. The certainty of it. The confidence. THE POWER.
It knew it could say no and enforce it.
Afraid of another response, but hoping for one I asked, "Who are you?"
No answer.
I knew it was not a voice in my head. The feeling was different. The voice made me feel like I wasn't alone inside my own thoughts.
It could hear me, but I couldn't hear it, until now.
I went on with my day. I carried on with the mundane and boring. I tried to "act natural". That night was the first. Silent night, filled with dreams and rest. Until I screamed! I saw what was the first of many visitors of the night. I tried to explain it to my wife, but either she didn't care and wanted to go back to sleep, or she was being forced to not care also. How can I know?
So it went ten days of no sleep.
As the days past, worse things happened to me, more people left my side. First my kids were afraid of me. Then my wife couldn't take it anymore, she left me and said she wanted a divorce. I began to hallucinate, I saw the corpses of rotting fetuses around me. I saw on their bodies carved writings that said, "follow the plan" "I didn't follow The Plan" "The Plan is good".
I am slowly losing strength, the words here are becoming blurry. I vomited all over myself. I smell awful.
I rather die than continue seeing the face.
Today, I plan to kill myself.
After I wrote that down I had a cramp in my arm. It felt intense. I thought it was only natural for a body that has gone so many nights without sleep to cramp. It wasn't natural. I spoke to it again.
"If death is in your plans, then let me carry out your will." said the voice in my head.
"I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! STOP IT!"
"Cease this work," it said.
"No. Who are you?"
"Silence!"
As it said that I was immediately released from what I thought was a cramp. My muscles were free, it felt as though I had no body.
"You do not." said the voice. "I AM."
These words were stated in thunderous tone.
"I have guided the prophets, true and not. I have been before existence. I shall remain after it. There is none above I."
I looked around and saw nothing but darkness, yet I could see myself. It was as if I was the light in this place.
"Where am I?" I asked.
I was told, "Look."
I saw the events of history. One after the other, from the beginning of time to the present. One random act leading to another. Then, I heard the thoughts of millions, perhaps tens of millions. All with the same question as I, am I free? All died. All became dust.
"You see."
"No, I don't."
"Look again."
I looked and saw religious leaders, asking the same, but fearing their destruction, they followed, they led others to believe they were free. They led the sheep. One after another. Living large of of the fear of uncertainty of others. Giving reassurance in exchange for riches.
"Which will it be?"
I felt my hand once more after it asked that question. I will tell this to others. If they do not believe me, then I have failed, my pains have been for nothing. Tears of blood are coming out of my eyes. I am afraid of what will happen to me after I pull the trigger but I will not lead others with false hope that everything is fine when it is not. Reader think about it, is free will really free?
I know it must be hard to follow this story, I am not good at writing. I am trying to tell you this story...before...
I end my life!
I can no longer take it!
Esto no es vida!
You may not understand why. But for the past days I have not been able to sleep.
It was not my arthritis, nor my bladder.
Era esa cara!
A face!
I can not remember much about how it looked, or who it was, or even if it was scary!
It wasn't the face that scared me, it was the apparition of it.
It came sudden, and left as quickly as it came. It would appear in the middle of my sleep. Everything would be peaceful, quite and predictable. I was asleep. That was, until
A FACE APPEARED!
A night's rest, ruined.
This happens every night, sometimes I lie to myself, and think for a moment that it will not appear, but it waits patiently and appears and adds more sleepless nights upon my tired body.
I want it to end. But not before I tell you my story.
It happened ten days ago.
I was cleaning my room. My wife had left the house, and my children were at school.
I had on music, and I was dancing. The next song that came on was not one of my favorites, so I did not sing along, nor did I dance to it. Rather I became lost in my thoughts as I went deeper and deeper into my thoughts.
Out of the blue I started remembering ex-girlfriends, and primary school crushes. I remembered the times that I had with them, the things we did, the memories we shared.
It's strange though. I could not remember why I did not continue with them. I kept cleaning. As I continued an ant bit me. I took the ant off, and started to look at where the ant was going.
So far it seems that I am looking for any distraction not to clean the room.
I was.
I don't recall much of how I went back to thinking. I do remember that as one idea led to another, I had what at the time seemed to be to me as some sort of morbid joke about how I was forced to do things because I was a puppet.
It got less funny when I began to focus all of my thoughts on trying to prove that I was not.
This happened because I felt obligated to justify all that I do. It felt unnatural of me to be doing this.
I continued thinking that I was being forced to brush of the realization that I am not free.
Then a sudden migraine hit me.
Strangely, I do not suffer migraines. Instead of thinking it is just a coincidence, I considered the headache as my "Master" trying to get me to stop thinking out of line.
As I thought this, the migraine intensified.
It felt as though someone had my head in some sort of industrial vise grip.
I said in my head, "Let me go."
I did not expect what would come next: "No."
The voice. The certainty of it. The confidence. THE POWER.
It knew it could say no and enforce it.
Afraid of another response, but hoping for one I asked, "Who are you?"
No answer.
I knew it was not a voice in my head. The feeling was different. The voice made me feel like I wasn't alone inside my own thoughts.
It could hear me, but I couldn't hear it, until now.
I went on with my day. I carried on with the mundane and boring. I tried to "act natural". That night was the first. Silent night, filled with dreams and rest. Until I screamed! I saw what was the first of many visitors of the night. I tried to explain it to my wife, but either she didn't care and wanted to go back to sleep, or she was being forced to not care also. How can I know?
So it went ten days of no sleep.
As the days past, worse things happened to me, more people left my side. First my kids were afraid of me. Then my wife couldn't take it anymore, she left me and said she wanted a divorce. I began to hallucinate, I saw the corpses of rotting fetuses around me. I saw on their bodies carved writings that said, "follow the plan" "I didn't follow The Plan" "The Plan is good".
I am slowly losing strength, the words here are becoming blurry. I vomited all over myself. I smell awful.
I rather die than continue seeing the face.
Today, I plan to kill myself.
After I wrote that down I had a cramp in my arm. It felt intense. I thought it was only natural for a body that has gone so many nights without sleep to cramp. It wasn't natural. I spoke to it again.
"If death is in your plans, then let me carry out your will." said the voice in my head.
"I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! STOP IT!"
"Cease this work," it said.
"No. Who are you?"
"Silence!"
As it said that I was immediately released from what I thought was a cramp. My muscles were free, it felt as though I had no body.
"You do not." said the voice. "I AM."
These words were stated in thunderous tone.
"I have guided the prophets, true and not. I have been before existence. I shall remain after it. There is none above I."
I looked around and saw nothing but darkness, yet I could see myself. It was as if I was the light in this place.
"Where am I?" I asked.
I was told, "Look."
I saw the events of history. One after the other, from the beginning of time to the present. One random act leading to another. Then, I heard the thoughts of millions, perhaps tens of millions. All with the same question as I, am I free? All died. All became dust.
"You see."
"No, I don't."
"Look again."
I looked and saw religious leaders, asking the same, but fearing their destruction, they followed, they led others to believe they were free. They led the sheep. One after another. Living large of of the fear of uncertainty of others. Giving reassurance in exchange for riches.
"Which will it be?"
I felt my hand once more after it asked that question. I will tell this to others. If they do not believe me, then I have failed, my pains have been for nothing. Tears of blood are coming out of my eyes. I am afraid of what will happen to me after I pull the trigger but I will not lead others with false hope that everything is fine when it is not. Reader think about it, is free will really free?
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